My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We were destined to go to rehab together
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
