My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
