: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dicks are not precious.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
