all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My vagina is officially offended.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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