Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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