I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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