Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
