you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
