I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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