I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
