It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
