She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
