Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
