You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
