I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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