she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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