I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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