Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Text me some of your sweat
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