peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
