I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
