Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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