you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
