On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
