I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
