how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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