I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
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Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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