It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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