my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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