When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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