just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize