did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
