He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol