I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm too high and old for this...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.