Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
