He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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