Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
