They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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