Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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