I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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