My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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