I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
