I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
