I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
