Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
