all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
