Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
