New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
