Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
