just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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