just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My bed smells like the plague
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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