I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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