No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
