i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
