who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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