We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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