Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
